Okay ending up alone. Autism awareness essay.

I am okay ending up alone by Ashton Deroy.png

Before we start this blog post, you should think about not reading this. If you didn’t want to click through to cringe worthy content today you can easily go somewhere else. I recommend picking a new audio book on Google and diving in to learning something new. Google Play was where I discovered I could learn about physics in my spare time. Do you want to read something seriously ****** up? Then you are in right place.

As long as I can remember I have had both my parents tell me, if I was not nicer to people I would end up alone. This was a fact that used to kill me on the inside, as I get older I realized I could not care less… I might even be okay ending up alone. Does being alone mean not getting beaten by your boyfriend who pretends to be your therapist? Does being alone mean not having to deal with your mom’s substance abuse issues & avoid the awkward conversation of, “Mom my brother had to leave you to go to college you were destroying his life with your weird codependency, that effected both of us.” Can I avoid that awkward conversation by myself?

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What are the benefits of being alone for me? I can study intriguing topics, participate in high minded conversations online or just get ******* obliterated on the substance of my choice. What do I have to deal with around people in Quinte West? Critiques of me, censorship of my critiques to others & complete & total morons.

The interesting topics I obsessed on in my spare time. True fact, before I attended Seneca College I would of called me mathematically & financially illiterate. I actually did a test to try & get a job at a Small business development call center in North York because they liked my application. I had record low scores. I obsessed at Seneca College, utilized the tutors & got excess resources. I passed Math, Accounting & Economics after being previously dumb to the topics. Why did I pass them? I spent excess time trying to master the topics. I am autistic & I am slow. That does not mean I am not capable & in fact as I learn more topics with my dedication. I tend to feel disappointed about where some people are to be at with their education levels. 

What do I mean by high minded conversations? I was actually one of the students at Seneca College who loved Seneca’s blackboard tool. I mean, “I get to see the class materials early! Woo.” They had a part of the software called a forum. Where other students would post their essays, I actually got more from reading someone else’s essay than taking to them in person. Mostly I could evaluate if someone was a total moron or not. If they were a total moron then, I won’t waste my time. That proves that the conversationally stupid people around me who can’t have a second of deliberate conversation instead of insanely low brow sarcasm are driving me a bit crazy.

How about getting intoxicated? Yes I drink & smoke pot by myself. I also used to take sleeping pills until in 2014 I tried to end my life with them. Remember the heading of this essay is, “I am okay alone.” When did I say I was great by myself? I am not. I think what it comes down to is my brain processes information slowly so I thought I was stupid. Then when I focused on it, I realized the people I was surrounded by in Quinte West were all bigoted low intelligence morons. Which proves you have to be careful what you wish for, I wanted so badly to be smart. Only to realize I was surrounded by a town of dopes. To cap this off, apparently it is not all that common in my family to choose to get a High School Diploma in the first effort. 

I am okay ending up alone, maybe I am not great. I don’t care anymore, what do I have to look forward to? Many of my family members have given up on trying having a better life. Some even tell me it is hopeless to try to improve mine. If I want to be positive & engage with intelligence, I have to go down to Career Edge in Quinte West just to get the toxic after taste of stupid people out of my mouth. Give me a room, alone with a book & a bong. That is all I need anymore. Apparently it is all I can get. Thank you for reading.

My name is Ashton Deroy & I am trying to speak honestly about how it feels to be Autistic. Is it pretty? No, because of my past experience I have many issues with the education system, accessibility in Quinte West & I struggle with suicidal thoughts. Neither of my parents knew I repressed sensory headaches or suffered with constant joint pain related to over exerting myself in hyper active episodes. There is so little information on autism that even in a hospital in Quinte West I am treated for the wrong illnesses.

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